The Science of Ecstasy

Fear

Bertrand Russel says, “To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life already are three parts dead.”

I’m not sure I agree. Sometimes fear leads us in many unknown ways. I will admit a time in my life when I feared loving again. But, it was during that time that I learned to love myself. I’ve been married three times so I do believe in marriage. I was married twice to the same man and with two kids in common, our love affair lives on. Both of us wanted to change for our kids and our love; but neither of us did. Love is a double edged sword that can cause elation and/or sadness. Unfortunately for some of us, fear often dictates how much love, happiness, and success we think we are or are not worthy of. Most of us are consumed with how to find love and where to look for it? Some of who have been hurt by love must learn how to go on living without it which is hard to do. Those who have experienced heartbreak

like me have become masters at inventing excuses to justify their inabilities to sustain love. It is my opinion, even when we’re coiffed, perfumed and eager for love, we must be deserving of it before it can blossom. Love is one of those intangibles we cannot touch yet it touches us in so many ways. I firmly believe each lover leaves a piece of his soul with us and we leave a piece of our soul with them. If you’re lucky enough to experience a connection with a genuine soul mate you laugh at the same things. You might set aflame every cell in your body when your bodies touch. Your relationship is not just about sex. You are two souls whose minds, conscious and subconscious fit effortlessly. I remember my own experience with a soul mate back in my late thirties. I still believe he would be with me today had he not been with her first. He was always ready to take me in his arms when we were together. He was a happy man, settled comfortably in an affluent suburb. He had no children. He must have carried 100 pictures of her in his wallet. We, on the other hand, were careful not to take pictures. I still carry his picture in my mind’s eye, looking for him in every stranger that passes me by. We started out as friends only. We really dug each other’s sense of humor. He got laid off from his job and didn’t want to tell his wife. So, instead of working he spent his days with me. I worked nights so, again, we fit each other’s circumstances easily. We became addicted to one another. It is true with our steady diet of sex we both lost a lot of weight and looked great. We had a lot of energy. I wrote the following poem years later with him still in my mind. Money, Grammar & Endless Love My brain is working overtime, thinking about money, grammar and endless love, what shoes I should wear, how to eat and how much not, I don’t know what I’ll do, if my Yorkies won’t stop barking soon, I drag my tired body, from place to place, dreaming about justice and injustice, and gorging myself on winged poems, and it seems like I never have enough money to go around, and then words worry me, too, like would, could, shall, or should, and why not do? Even though my pen may have a moral plan, it cannot out-argue my past, because just this morning, I was dreaming of budding twigs in my graying hair and dancing with an endless love, I was thinking how his eyes flashed with fire when he looked at me and how his always smiling lips tasted of chocolate even in my dreams. 

he Words, “Know Thyself” were first found inscribed on the walls of the Delphi Temple in the ancient city of Athens, Greece. It took almost 20 years to know myself. It is sad many of us only see our reflections through the eyes of others. When our affair was over, I had changed. Maybe, I saw my potential for the first time. I stopped looking for happiness in the arms of others. I wanted no one now, not him, not anyone else. I remain punished not for my sins by my sins. While I was fiddling with this post, a young, brilliant and handsome boy/man, walked into a theater and open fired on kids and adults for no apparent reason at all other than he was obsessed with the Batman trilogy. The justice system wasted no time in bringing him to trial. He sat next to his public defender unemotional, with eyes large and frightening. He wore the look of a lost clown with his multi-colored bed-head hairdo. All that education and potential went to waste. He spent so many years learning about others, he never

took the time to know himself. Americans are stereo-typed as go-getters, anxious to out-do and out-have all others. We must know ourselves before we can love and respect life maturely and be satisfied with life’s gifts. We’ve got to stop living our lives blinded to the gifts of others. We’ve got to start being kind and observing the needs of others. Over the years that followed, I finally grew into the person I was always meant to be. I wrote poetry and articles for wellness, mine and yours. Thank God for the internet, self-publishing and my inner child who needed to know she was worthy. She had talents. She was not unlovable. She could love herself with a mate or without a mate. We shape our present and our future by the choices we make not only for ourselves but by the choices we make for others. I chose to reach for that golden ring of love once more and we’ve been together 22 years. Not married. We just fit together. Rachel Madorsky, in her book, Symphony of Karma, says “The human Soul can be kept pure only if it’s given the freedom of choice. Free will and freedom of choice are the greatest gifts of the Creator to humankind! 

Each of us has the ability to create our own Karma.” I feel like I’ve finally outgrown my old bad-tempered karma and now I am free to write about love, marriage and sex. Ursula K. LeGuin says, “It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end.” Below are a few of journeys in poetry. Enjoy. My Poem, Tears are like Polliwogs, It is nice to think of tears like polliwogs swimming around in a mortal’s eyes, evolving into well-adjusted higher forms, with better motor control and hand-eye co-ordination, ascending rather than descending, bending rather than breaking, reaffirming rather than hurting, and smiling rather than frowning, It’s nice to think of sorrow as water, and all those tears escaping where swelling pain had been, It’s nice to think our sorrow will soon evaporate just like our tears, turning our attention to helping others evolve. Uplifted by Angels…I pray to be a celestial artisan, that my soul sprinkled with passionate thoughts of God’s love, when I’m tired, let their angelic wings fan me with healing energetic breezes, light my eyes with the lamps from God so I can see what is right or wrong, bless me with “celestial” knowing, wit, wryness, color and an angelic sense of timing, and let my optimism fall like seeds to the moist warm ground and take root in the footsteps of others, especially the most I love.

My Waiting on Love Poem, Here I am like every other flower in the garden drinking in the pearled dew, and hour after hour a female willow trembles knowingly at our pain, a swan sings close by, both of us living by breath alone, Sometimes I moan a little in self-pity, ”Where is my God, why has he forsaken me?” I shake my fist towards the sky, the weeping willows cry for me, we’re all feeling disowned, We’re weak and weary standing here at attention, dreaming dreams no mortals dare to dream, the silence unbroken in my pearl-less pelvis while the weeping willow packs her trunk for our trip to Nevermore…” Pimping out Love in Poetry Poem…Some love affairs go on too long in our heads, the truth is we poets can easily become our own sad poems, half falling over ourselves day and night, wearing mufflers, blinders and Mona Lisa smiles, our blowfish egos becoming nightly bridge walkers, roof servants, or chimney sweeps, So Indefinable, undeniable, breathing in the soot of our heart’s desires and all the rest of the idiocy we poets fall heir to when conjugating our hearts and pimping our love into poetry. 

 Time Keeper of Love

According to psychologist, Elaine Hatfield, there are two basic types of love, compassionate and passionate love. Compassionate love is characterized by mutual respect, attachment, affection and trust. Compassionate love develops out of feelings of mutual understanding and shared respect for one another. Passionate love is characterized by intense emotions, sexual attraction and taking risks. I think perhaps this would be Liz Taylor and Richard Burton; or Robert and Jacqueline Kennedy. The passionate of us only hold onto to love from six to thirty months like myself and my soul mate. Ideally, most of us want our passionate love to lead to compassionate love which lasts longer but it seldom does. Love is hungry for forgiveness, faithfulness, hugs and kisses, mutual respect, kindness and longevity. Taking love for granted only leads to undernourished souls who become bored and anxious to move on. When couples and loved ones grow intellectually and emotionally apart, “splits-ville” is inevitable.

From Mark Twain’s book titled, Following the Equator, “We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there.” There is great wisdom in loving others. There is also great wisdom in getting dumped. I often look back at my past years, again and again, trying to find the one moment in time when I settled for loving rather than being loved. I finally came to the conclusion that those like me are chosen to devote our lives to doing the impossible. We know we have a choice but we still dance to the melody of “If you can’t be with the one you love, and then love the one you’re with.” We should be given credit for the courage it takes to give more love than you receive.

No one has the right to say what is and is not a valid love or romantic relationship. Only you can be the judge of that. Based on the value of your relationship, love has many forms and many faces and all are special. Everyone knows that more than fifty percent of all marriages fail. I’ve heard comedians say everybody has the right to be miserable in marriage referring to the same gender love affairs. I can understand the biblical rejections to same gender unions. But I have also read that homosexuality is found in over 450 species; but homophobia is found only in one. 

“To understand is to forgive, even ourselves,” says Alexander Chase. So, whether a couple is made up of two women, two men, or a man and a woman, or some other mention it shouldn't matter to others. Marriage is about love and forgiveness, not gender or sexual orientation. It is our diversity that makes the world a fascinating-go-around. Carrie Underwood, a popular songstress said, "As a married person myself, I don't know what it's like to be told I can't marry somebody I love, and want to marry. I definitely think we should all have the right to love publicly the people that we want to love."

5

Slippery Libidos

Chances are if you have lost communication in the bedroom, you have probably lost touch in other aspects of your life. Even Freud originally defined libido as a lust for life not lust for sex. In a silvery blend of our hopes, dreams and fears are written in our DNA just like our sexuality. Sexuality is a big part of who we are. You cannot learn to romance yourself by notes or memorizing techniques. It is about getting to know ourselves, paying attention to what feels good, and then following our intuitions wherever that may lead. There are many of us acting like cats, quick to coitus but slow to monogamy. When the moon shines and all the clubs are alive with music, body language will take you by the hand. Even cancer patients make their sexual experiences both more fulfilling and more pleasurable. Good sex can open up many doors for you. Sometimes all we need is a gentle push to open up and share our feelings with others. In all cases you have got to give yourself permission to be sexual. Nothing could be healthier when partners are truly and joyously connected in every way.

Being asexual is not the same as celibacy, nor does it equate to being uninterested in sexual relationships altogether.

Any form of celibacy for different periods of two weeks, a month or a year, allow us to explore ourselves outside the eyes of another. All of us have to face the fact that we are living in such a sex-crazy society with all its up and downs. Discovery Fitness & Health tells us that, "People who have a good sex life feel better mentally and physically." From a practical standpoint, there's less time for quality sex and intimacy. I’m not going to write about HIV the disease that has taken so many by surprise after sexual relations. That is a whole book in itself and I’m trying to keep my subject light and airy. Aging, on the other hand, brings on a host of physical conditions that can affect what’s going on in our bedroom.

These include sexual dysfunction, cardiovascular conditions, arthritis and rheumatism, and a host of other problems. “Adults on average, have sex about 61 times per year, or slightly more than once a week,” according to University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center. Marital status and age are key influences in sexual satisfaction. It is true monogamy is constraining. Of course, Jerry Springer has showed us there is a lot of fighting over who-beds-who? Many on his show illicit sex very indiscriminately. The problem being, once trust is broken, it can be forgiven but never forgotten. Maybe, faithfulness should be contracted and

strictly enforced or even prosecuted. Stephany Alexander, relationship expert says, according to an adultery poll of over 5,000 women, where 52% or more said that adultery should be prosecuted in courts. In early 2007 an Arizona court prosecuted two married adulterers for the first time in over 30 years. Gloria Steinem, the well-known feminist says, “Power can be taken, but not given; the process of the taking is empowerment in itself. What defines us is the courage and confidence to take control quietly or loudly.”

Statistics tell us that most of us experience at least five long relationships in our lifetime. But statistics also tell us that an astounding 40 percent of women in this country experience no or very low sexual desire. In some cases, low libido has clear medical causes; but in other cases, the decline or absence of sexual desire stems from a combination of emotional and physiological cases. If you have ever been victimized or traumatized sexually, it’s important that you receive the help you need. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists is a trusted source for finding a therapist or counselor in your area who will help you work through any kind of trauma or abuse. Contact http://www.aasect.org for more information.

I will admit my earthen body still yearns to be held again with or without the hot anticipation of his sex. I like to fanaticize turning back the clock and guiding once familiar lovers to my secret places. I am a woman cloaked in love not less nobly than any other. I desire to be irresistibly desired to assure myself that “I am woman.” It is true, I am wounded from underprivileged beginnings and unfulfilled dreams. Whatever your love status, it is true, “God gave us two ears to hear, two eyes to see and two hands to hold. But why do you suppose God give us only one heart? Could it be because he wants to humble us into perpetually searching for our match?